The Awkward Turtle

Cool Ranch Dumpter Baby

2009-11-10T16:50:00.000-08:00

Following in the footsteps of one of the most hilarious episodes of It's Always Sunny "The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby" - Dumpter Doritos takes a delicious nacho cheesy spin on the dumpster baby (what is wrong with me)

Just watch and give it hella views so my pal can win money for enough cigarettes and wiskey to fuel the next great American cinema.

http://www.crashthesuperbowl.com/#/video/1547/

(skip the intro and don't watch any of the other rubbish...no seriously, don't...unless you want instilled a primal fear of doritos poltergeisting you out of your bed at 3:15am. I do just fine scaring the shit out of myself without the help of my favorite snack food going all Linda Blair on my innocent slumbering body thank you very much. Jerk.)

robots are furturey thus scary

2009-11-03T14:24:00.000-08:00

this makes me feel like i took the red pill.

Make Up Tutorial

2009-10-30T16:54:00.000-07:00

As hilarious as it is educatioal, just in time for Halloween, but enjoyable (but on the real, she's funny) any time of year, I present to you the Chola Makeup Tutorial:

Check out her other tutorials: Emo/Goth, Whore, etc.
Thank you for this gem Seniorstein

Choosing a Costume for your Effeminate Son

2009-10-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

The Onion

2009-10-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

In less than 48 hours the holiday season kicks off with the pinnacle of justified debachery: Halloween + Saturday + daylight savings. Gouls and Booys - We have ourselves a tri-fecta of potential that only the stars could arrange. I've found myself somewhat alone in my enthusiasm this season -- but i know its hard when you're 25 and your weak ass post-collegiate metabolism has left you yearning for the days of dressing like floozies and hussies and beasting on cool ranch doritos and little debbies. (this goes for boys too - hilarious 70's short shorts not so hilarious anymore, hairy)

but i say.. f that & curb your enthusiasm - it's a new era - the time of the thinking man's costume or as I like to call it the "being comfortable with your body cause it's only downhill from here on so you might as well have a good time" costume. Hipsters rejoice! Halloween kicks ass. save for trannies, sorority girls and actors - halloween is the one night a year we get a breather from ourselves; like there's freedom in being someone else & your true self emerges once the mask is like such as...etc. -- shakespeare said that shit.

SO, you have 48 hours to get geeked up. live out that hippie fantasy, walk a mile in goth shoes, see if blondes really do have more fun…but i plead - avoid the slutty ladybug. Unless you're a repressed moussy librarian, then...okay ;) Saturday's the night to try on that alter ego, so when you wake up a disheveled asshole the next morning with a half eaten piece of pizza in your purse and a busted happy meal toy (for a boy, A BOY! no no a girrrl - banilla cone?) you can blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-afro wig you were sportin' last night Ms. obscure ginger Dazed and Confused reference.

So if your formerly bleh self is now duly inspired, so pull out that bedazzler & hit the thrit stores (i've never seen so many foxy boys as the goodwill on 3rd. true story.) to hopefully inspire, here are a few of my personal favorites to get your gears turning (click links for visual aides, highly suggested for total effect):

Girls:

Betty Draper, Joan Holloway, Peggy Olson, Mad Men

Morton Salt Girl, vintage americana pop culture

Alison Mosshart of the Dead Weather

Chola, Elizabeth Perkins Weeds style

Ja'mie King Summer Heights High

Isabella Rosellini as any of the bugs/ocean characters from Green Porno

Sue Sylvester Glee (Also fun, the super OCD red headed preppy teacher)

Pageant Girl, Toddlers and Tiaras

Stage Mom, Toddlers and Tiaras

Dee Reynolds, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Sookie Stackhouse, True Blood (this chick knows what's up, a little goes a long way, simple but true blood-y therefore super badass -- but don't be surprised when folks are all judgey of you for being a fang banger)

Vampire Barbie (vampire with a twist. the solution to the inevitable saturation of blood suckers this year) or other Twisted Barbies (like knocked up barbie, rehab barbie, get creative)

Troll Doll, My Little Pony: any 80's toy, executed properly, is a solid choice.

Janis Joplin: just 'cause being Janis (done right) would probably give you powers.

Derby Girl: must have funny name like: Smashley Simpson or Malice in Wonderland (notes: these are real names of LA derby dolls, I just couldn't think of any myself)

Guys:

Kenny Powers (Eastbound and Down) Bonus for couples: Skanky date at bar-b-que (this is an instance I would deem slut appropriate for its obvious comedic redemption)

Jack White, specifically in Treat me Like Your Mother - The Dead Weather

Don Draper, Mad Men (for ultimate style that would put Bogart on tilt, go for white tux Don, guaranteed to make the ladies swoon)

Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything (carry around a boom box that plays 'In Your Eyes' - also guaranteed swoonin')

Pageant Dad or Cy the Coach, Toddlers and Tiaras/King of Crown (guaranteed to make the ladies...laugh...but not AT you)

Mr. G or Jonah, Summer Heights High

Groups/Other:

The Nightman Cometh, Always Sunny In Philadelphia

The Royal Tenenbaum Family

True Blood townsfolk under MaryAnn's spell

H1N1

Double Dare Contestants w/ Mark Summers (get super 90s with it - thanks EChance!)

Facebook/Lamebook page (inspired the The Office)

*albeit totally rad, this is obviously a really biased list, so add your ideas in the comments

Tip: embrace obscurity. There's nothing as satisfying after a night of non attention as instant recognition by that cute guy over there who high fives you for your awesome bizarro Princess Peach specifically from Mario 2 threads. Bottom line, obscure costumes are a solid way to find your soul mate on Halloween and, at the very least, a hot Betty on Don makeout session to keep the quarterlife spicy.

trick or treat fools - this has been an Obsorne-Hoff collaboration.

Pirate Facebook - It's better than a chest of booty!

2009-10-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

yo ho ho and a bottle of awesome.
trust me. just do this:

1)Scroll to the bottom of your Facebook page.

2) On the bottom left, click English: US.

3) Then click English: Pirate.

4) Leave it for a couple days to experience all the piratey nuances.

The F***ing Word of the Day

2009-10-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

this is kinda like that episode of Saved by the Bell where the gang learns about history by spreading rumors and gossip about it through school. "hey guys did you hear the general custer like totally died" "sally hemmings is such a sloot"
who said swearing dimishes your vocabulary? not this guy.

and for more cussing fun.
note: i have zero authorship over this, thank you person whoever made this fwd:

Cussing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a___

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You, Human Resources

Glee Sneak Peek: Sweet Caroline

2009-10-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

Oh. Dude. Stop. This is beyond. Tonight on Glee, Puck sings “Sweet Caroline” – buy me a Tiger Beat and form a French braiding train - I am legit schoolgirl giddy. Solid evidence that Glee was created to make life rad. This will provide me with daydream material for a year - minimum. Foxy man make me swoon.

Developing Awesomeness

2009-10-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

yee haw. order this shit (below) to series!

"Meanwhile, ABC has also given a script-plus-penalty order to "We Are
Here," a comedy from scribe Hilary Winston ("My Name Is Earl"), who will exec
produce with Anthony and Joe Russo. Project centers on four friends from the
U. of Texas, all of whom still live in Austin, but deal with the arrival of
adulthood in different ways. Winston's credits include "Community." Sony
Pictures TV is behind the project"

Guilty Pleasure: Miley

2009-10-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

psh that. i don't even feel guilty. this is my jam and i don't care who knows it. when she throws her hands up my butterflies fly away and i'm not in my head like yeah.

Blame it On the Alcohol

2009-10-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

drunkz

DILF

2009-09-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

i think this man singlehandedly jump started my biological clock. somethin' about men and their daughters.

and here's what she had to say for her precious self.

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/video.

Round Up: 9/15/09

2009-09-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

Imma Let You Finish: KanyeGate (i do agree with his take on trueblood tho - team eric!)

also check out stephen colbert speaking kanye

Gossip Girl premiere means the best part of Gossip Girl is BACK!: NYMag Recaps

xoxo

also, oooh nooo chuck bass. why?

Ummm gang's all here?! Shannon is definitely making an appearance: New LOST poster revealed

If you found yourself massive eye rolling during the 90210 premiere upon the introduction of that transfer student who looked about 35 (yeah I know, but there was nothing else on and i was doing 'research' for my job) then you'll enjoy this article: old ass tv high schoolers.

more later.

"super radical shits"

2009-09-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

courtesy of the oz, who else would bring you super radical shits: sprinkle brigade!

i have no words

2009-09-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

for how incredible this is.

courtesy of amperstamp

and now for the reeeeeemmmmmix...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Child Please

2009-09-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

there are so many things I shouldn't like about this but after a coworkers raving review about HBO's Hard Knocks and this linkage, I might just have to check it out. You know, when I'm really bored and there's nothing else on.

Sign the Confession!

2009-09-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

for some reason i never saw this. if you haven't, enjoy; if you have congratulations for being so with it.

courtesy of ETrin

and for a little nostalgia...

The Landlord from Will Ferrell

cutest video in the history of ever.

2009-09-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

Gmail Crash of 2009

2009-09-02T11:51:00.001-07:00

as you may remember yesterday was a wretched moment for the intranets.

click here to recount the tragic moments of that day.

quality.

Poor Person Diet

2009-09-02T10:12:00.001-07:00

if you are a young person trying to forge their way in a post-collegiate world on a measly 'pay your dues' salary and find yourself struggling to maintain the quality of life you were once accustomed to living ($75 on beer last saturday, nbd, $125 on concert tickets, of course), you may occasionally or often find yourself in the 'oh shit' pocket of poorness that usually arrives around the 1st of the month when this easily forgotten, most likely denied, expense of rent is required - after you've failed to properly budget that paycheck from the 15th and it is still 10 excruciating days until your bank account is replenished by the man.

now usually you can catch yourself with $100 left and 7 days to go and you can clot the hemorrhaging wallet by putting a clothespin on extraneous spending, but sometimes in the truly harsh times after a weekend of reckless abandon (see beer and tickets) you may find yourself in a code red emergency, two steps from bankruptcy with a sudden and total empathy for actual legit poor people. i'm talking $29 to last 10 days, with an empty tank of gas and bills to be paid. having found myself in such dire conditions yesterday (its for this gut punch that i avoid checking bank account at all costs - ironically, if i checked more regularly perhaps such circumstances might be avoided -- the penultimate catch-22 of my quarterlife), i inquired to echance, a true pioneer in the art of dollar stretching as what to do.

in these times of poverty, when you're truly busted there is 1 thing needed for true survival: food. (silence you fasting anoreixic freaks, girl has got to eat). bum rides, take the bus, fill that shampoo bottle with water and shake, bum cigarettes, rock the dirty hipster look but you must feed. yeah, i'm getting primitive here, we're talking urban upper-middle class twenty something survival.

EChance's Poor Person Diet:

Let me show you the way!!!!!! Haha. I've been on this poor person diet for so long it actually doesn't really bother me anymore. But be warned, it is boring, monotonous, and not healthy. I've actually been taking some vitamin supplements lately b/c I'm getting a serious lack of nutrients from the shit I'm eating.

Breakfast and lunch eaten at work. Every. Single. Day.
(if you're not lucky enough to have even a semblance of a kitchen at work - drink coffee, this will suppress your appetite until at least lunch and then continue with dinner options)

Dinner:
1. Ramen - (they are practically free)

2. Tina's frozen burrito - ($.33)

3. Corn Tortillas - (you can get like 50 for cheap)
-with beans (canned refried or black beans are cheap)
-maybe shredded cheese if I am feeling rich

4. Michelina's Lean Gormets (They are like $1 each or something. Ghetto Lean Cuisine)

5. Generic frozen pizza at Ralph's - (only costs $1!)

6. Ralph's has these big bags of pasta that are $1 each, and they last for like 3-4 meals.
-I usually get 3 bags of different kinds of pasta then eat them for a while

7. I always try to have salsa (usually some kind if cheap or on sale), ranch and pasta sauce on hand to spice up my horribly boring diet.
8. Two Buck Chuck - to ease the pain. (my brilliant addition if i do say so myself)

now with a diet like this hopefully i'll learn that next time maybe i don't need to have 4 martini's at the rooftop bar on Bond St., no matter how incredible the view is. also, probably didn't need that bedspread dry cleaned.

thanks to echance, an inspiration. truly a resourceful and enterprising young lady.
please add your tips in the comments section!

Hump Day Collection

2009-09-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

i've just realized that it's been exactly one week since i last posted anything. i'd love to chalk this up to my big important busy job and throw down words like 'swamped' and 'slammed' but really we can just chalk this up to unadulterated procrastination and laziness; because, at the very least, i'm not a liar. usually. so here's a round up of the haps the last 7 days...

1. California Wildfires

this shit is out of control. the sky smokey and my eyes are red. prayers to the brave firefighters.

even though the fires blaze over 15 miles away...ash on the hood of my car. (worst picture in this history of pictures, i know) however, one of the better excuses not to take that nightly ~~jog~~ walk.

2. Hilarious typo from my boss: tip: read from bottom up

From: boss man
Date: Tue, 01 Sep 2009 09:25:24 -0700
To: me

Go tit

From: me
Date: Tue, 01 Sep 2009 09:20:24 -0700
To: boss man
Subject: Re: Revised revised treatment
Sent. Let me know that you've received it.

*I wanted to reply 'Inappropriate!' but then I thought that might be inappropriate.

3. Drinking prevents Depression: best study ever.

annnnd i'm pretty sure jezebel just called me a lush. but a happy lush indeed.

4. the roommate and i are debating on whether to get a cat.

decision maker:

(courtesy of fupenguin.com)

if for some reason your confused, the decision is a resounding yes.

5. If you're geographically disadvantaged like me and find yourself a far distance from walmart, here's a little taste of the old country:

People of Walmart

6. Game day gear. yet another one of those 'duh' ideas that you kick yourself for not thinking of or if you had (cause how many times in college did our lamentations arrive at this very idea) not actually pursuing. Happen to go to school with the most obscure color in fashion merchandizing (holla burnt orange), well you can retire that gauche t-shirt and head here:

Team Colors Couture

...more later. actually legit busy. who knew.

Preview: It's Always Sunny

2009-08-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

season premieres september 25

check out some more previews on hulu featuring some great guest apperances by the one and only Artemis. looks like my prayers have been answered and she'll be getting more screen time this season.

The Dead Weather @ The Wiltern

2009-08-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

after The Dead Weather's killer performance last night, my affinity has quickly and exponentially grown into love. and not like 'i love you but im not IN love with you' love - like crazy passionate deep disgusting love where your friends and roommates wish you would just shut the hell up about it because they're jealous they haven't found something to rock their world like you have. and that's exactly what Jack White and Alison Mossheart, frontduo of the best supergroup since The Yardbirds, did - they rocked. my. world....hard.

(Photo credit: Eric Nowels, Milton CJ)

in my mind&heart White has cemented himself as the penultimate rock musician of our generation and Mosshart is just too f**king cool for words. on top of wicked awesome tunes, there is so much sexiness in this group its bound to implode on itself and i don't know if i can handle it.

music triumphing over the oppression of nosebleed.

more Jack White soul food...and why sometimes having a day job sucks

courtesy of TheTrin

coming to a theater probably not near you.

completely gratuitous. so close, i could smell his talent.

* check back. all pictures and videos subject to change once people upload superior non-shitty blackberry nosebleed videos/photos to the intranets.

"Bullshit God Has Horns"

2009-08-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

why i lurve True Blood (spoiler alert)

Jason Stackhouse you're my hero.

Stuff Hipsters Hate

2009-08-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

more hipstery blog hilarity.

yeah yeah yeah!

2009-08-24T14:01:00.001-07:00

so on board with this replacement

or as Michael Bluth might say

i have no problem with that.

talent.

2009-08-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

update: bingo.

2009-08-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

i am the david to echance's goliath in this scrabble game. apparently a 122 pt bingo isn't an instant scrabulous win. most incredible game ever.

no seriously, we are scrabble gangstas, check it:

Revolution

2009-08-24T10:57:00.001-07:00

we asked for one, I guess this is the one we're going to get...

bleh.

Parenthood Plug

2009-08-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

Adrianne Palicki @ Jup2.com - PARENTHOOD

in the meantime here's some stuff...

2009-08-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Megan is soooo pissed. Unless she found a millionaire at the end, which I guess we'll never know. damn.

It Might Get...Awesome. hi jack, i love you.

Futurey. computer chips, but the good kind. i think.

Interesting. there are 64 people in the U.S. with my name. how many people have your name Ben Dover? (yes, there are 4 poor souls and 8 fiendish parents in these united states)

HowManyOfMe.com

There are

people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Mixed Emotions. 2 parts weary, 1 part hopeful.

Neato. Tuneage from around the globe.

Messy. Truck Spills via Thrillist

on the docket for when i stop being so busy writing mind numbing posts like this one: My Going Green Social Experiment, Flaming Lips at the Greek, Twitter.

bingo.

2009-08-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

me: ur turn

erin: omg. guess what

You are going to be SOOOOO PISSED.

me: um.

UPDATE: my rebuttal was 'insecure' off the 'i' in 'elicit' for 56 points. im like the william wallace of this scrabulous bout.

jajaja

2009-08-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

me: eating an apple and peanut butter. so good.
b: ohh yum
me: i think i used too much peanut butter for it to be healthy though
b: its good fat though
me: um i think you're thinking of avocado
b: no, like peanuts
jaja
me: omg your 'h's are turning to 'j's
b: jaja
must be your computer
me: jes it must be
b: jes, jaja
me: jajajaja

Like A Pro

2009-08-18T16:02:00.000-07:00

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

via Today's Big Thing

Vote 4 Ron & Pass It On!

2009-08-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

vote for the little dog who has forever changed my opinion of little dogs, Ron, to win the Cutest Dog Competition. If he wins, I get a finders fee, so vote 4 ron, because he really is the cutest dog around and can melt the heart of even the most adamant of anti-small dog haters. i mean seriously check this adorable k9 out:

true story. i seriously loathed little dogs before The Ronald Brokaw came into my life...

Mad Men Premiere...

2009-08-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

...despite my impossibly high hopes and expectations - was, as usual, absolutely superb. if you haven't started watching it you will miss out on what is sure to be a fantastic season. here's a sneak peak at next week's episode:

Missed Call: Tim Gunn

2009-08-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

yeah, Tim Gunn, the ambassador of Project Runway just left a message on my machine. ndb.

have him call your favorite PR obsessed pal here.

threatened against my will by DQBIII

2009-08-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Q will do this to my blog:

if I don't post this:

he's such a bully...

While I was Away...

2009-08-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

the newest viral video blowin' up the internets...

after this video and a fwd. i received today, there seems to be a common theme that all girls are bat shit crazy...i'd like to just defend our kind and say that not all of us are. really. that much.

go primitive

2009-08-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

URBAN DICTIONARY WORD OF THE DAY:

August 11: go primitive

Instead of keyboarding or texting a long and detailed story someone suggests a phone call as a more direct way to have the conversation.

Dude, I'm good with texting but this is giving me carpel tunnel, let's "go primitive" I'll call you tomorrow at 8.

*just the other day i was grasping for such a word. i love this concept.

Sweet Sweet Music...

2009-08-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

...click here to make some

but what if he had missed. seriously.

2009-08-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

VOTE: Adrienne Wiggins

2009-08-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

vote for my friend Adrienne, the hostess with the mostess, to be the next host of the new series 'All Access Karaoke.' Adrienne and hosting a karaoke show go together like booze and karaoke.

idk why this is all pixilated, but she's like really pretty and has a lot of moxie. duh, i don't blog about people who don't meet these two requirements.

to vote: go here. click on her picture and vote 5 stars.

seriously do it, because you know you don't want to have to watch this guy every week who's bio says:

"I am not quite sure that what I have to say means anything. I have had many careers...It has always been my dream to have my own talk show. So I am hoping this is just the beginning."

and who's face looks like this:

what guy? you're right, nothing you said means anything. you want a talk show? try AM because you've got a face for radio baby.

*that was mean, i feel like a bastard. all God's children are beautiful. some just aren't meant for television.

Lykke Li @ The Wiltern

2009-08-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

caught Lykke Li at the Wiltern last night. As an artist known for more chill, breezy pop tunes - Lykke Li was far from mellow. Her performance was delightfully surprising as she remixed and infused energy into everything she sang and danced like no one was watching. (sidenote: props to all the ladies in the audience who too danced like no one was watching, even though their boyfriends totally were and were all 'uhh idk what to do with myself')

bottom line: any show where the 'quirky swedish alt-pop'* lead chick melts lil' wayne into her pre-encore finale is one b.a.m.f rock show in my book.

most definitely go watch, listen, buy tickets for Lykke Li

also this flashback, if you haven't seen, the reason i bought a ticket.

* stole this from metromix because, while i can understand the language, i can't speak it.

yes. yes. yes.

2009-08-04T18:10:00.000-07:00

yes.

no means no.

2009-08-04T17:54:00.001-07:00

Interview: January Jones

2009-07-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

Watch & Read: delightfully charming interview of the woman behind my favorite character on television, Mad Men's Betty Draper.

Photography VINOODH MATADIN, INEZ VAN LAMSWEERDE

Everything Is Terrible

2009-07-31T15:46:00.001-07:00

for other terribly entertaining videos visit Everything is Terrible.

butt horn.

Mad Men Yourself. Sexy, No?

2009-07-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

note: this looks nothing like me creepy cyber stalker. so don't even try it.

bleg.

2009-07-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

much like a reflection of my life as of late, this blog has been withdrawn and distant with nothing good to say and all around bleh (after being sent this by an ~~old and fat~~ senior coworker and being told twice today by two separate people that maybe my calling was party planning) so my apologies.

so here's some random shit in attempts to pull this bleg up by its bootstraps. hoping it will pull up my life bootstraps.

yeah, i don't know what im talking about either. :-/

Insane Sandwiches: http://www.insanewiches.com/

thanks echance

Intriguing Photo Series by Nathan Schroder: What's In Your Pocket

the highlight for me was the little girl - the juxtaposition of the chaos of the adult pockets and the simplicity of her is such a powerful visual reminder that makes me long for a simpler time. sometimes im insightful.

thanks b.crow

Prayer Request: Felipe Massa. Massa, my favorite Formula 1 driver who can't catch a break was involved in a horrendous freak accident this past weekend in Germany.

i know its super weird and impossible to understand that one of the party favors i took away from the last ex was Formula 1 racing, but i dig it and you would to if you'd let me teach you. sexy boys that drive hella fast - what's not to love.

British Family Intervention: 'Sin Bins'

'Children's Secretary Ed Balls'...nuff said

Poll: is a lame post better than no post at all?

Raaaaandy: to salvage.

Raaaaaaaandy - Part 1 (Funny People) from Aziz Ansari

Raaaaaaaandy - Part 2 (Funny People) from Aziz Ansari

Mad Men. Season 3. August 16th.

2009-07-24T19:37:00.001-07:00

you. go. girl.

2009-07-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

Thug gets 'Knuckle Sandwhich'

tusslin', tusslin', tusslin'

Alice In Wonderland: Teaser Trailer

2009-07-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

thoughts?

Quarter Life Crisis

2009-07-21T13:38:00.000-07:00

fascinating and insightful article that sadly and easily dissects pretty much every emotion in life right now and tells us who to blame it on - our parents! although according to the quiz at the end i'm b) you're not in crisis yet, but you're starting to show some signs. time to think about a five-year plan.

this is all i've come up with so far: don't move back in with parents.

meh.

courtesy of HKGIII

american assholes

2009-07-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

apologies for continuing this anti-american theme, but its just jokes for funny and laughing. p.s. that ginge totally looks like someone you know, 25 pts. for whoever guesses what im thinking

Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out US Assholes

courtesy of JBlake

Update: annnnd 25 points goes to HKGIII

even our geniuses are dumbasses.

2009-07-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

read about how NASA lost the moon landing tapes.

um...like seriously? this isn't a pair of keys here. i've never been one to believe the conspiracy theories surrounding the moon landing, but this fiasco reeks of sketch. more mounting evidence that America is failing at life.

Hawaii Chair

2009-07-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

yes please.

so wrong, its right

2009-07-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

click for the Helen Keller experience

An Education

2009-07-16T11:18:00.001-07:00

(500) Days of Summer: Post (3)

2009-07-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

i believe this will be the 3rd post where i mention this film, but having actually seen it now, i can express my sentiments with a bit more authority. roomie hooked me up at a screening last night and i'm still thinking about '500 Days of Summer'. i loved it so much, i want to buy a ticket to see it again to alleviate the guilt of having seen it for free. some of the lines so profoundly impacted me that i printed out the script at the office to re-read them. as you may know, i hate giving reviews and summaries, and usually end up giving them anyway but here's what i'll say about this incredible film:

it is honest and real. quirky and sweet. heartbreaking and joyful. whimsical and totally grounded. bittersweet and beautiful. quite simply, one of the most relatable films on love and relationships i have ever seen. its broke my heart and then mended it. both Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are revelations. Los Angeles is portrayed beautifully (none of that sunset strip bullshit). the non-linear structure and juxtapositioning of the character arcs are brilliant. i highly recommend and strongly urge you to go see it as soon as your town gets it (yes, it's coming to San Antonio). seriously. do. it. this is the type of film that causes a defeated 2nd assistant to go home to her roommate and say 'thank you so much, now THAT is the why i moved out here...'

f**k its so good, i can't even handle it:

for those in the flyover states, trailer:

Jesus H. Christ

2009-07-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

Jesus is alive and well in West Hollywood. You know watching over the 'mos and prostitutes, 'cause he loves all his children.

Photo by MSeniorstein

The Most Amazing Website On The Internet

2009-07-10T11:10:00.000-07:00

this salvaged my friday echance.

caution: avoid if prone to stroke or seizure.

The Dead Weather

2009-07-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

to quote a dear friend 'there really isn't anyone like Jack White.' His newest collaboration, The Dead Weather, are/is? streaming their new album in its entirety online for the next few days. To quote another 'its totally dope...'

check out the dopeness

The Dead Weather - Treat Me Like Your Mother

so badass, i don't even care how violent this is...

yes.

2009-07-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

possibly an obvious evolution in the facebook inspired blog revolution. could quite possibly be my favorite so far. genius, brilliant, insightful and a lot of other hyperbolic platitudes, i give you: STFU MARRIEDS sure to make all us ~~jealous~~ awesome singles gagging happily we aren't lame marrieds.

courtesy of guess

James Franco Commencement Speech: The Lost Tapes

2009-07-08T12:36:00.001-07:00

James Franco's Rejected UCLA Commencement Speech from James Franco

devil's advocate

2009-07-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

ergo, i'm a genius.

p.s. this is the last thing i'll post regarding Mr. Jackson, scouts honor.

skillz

2009-07-07T15:11:00.001-07:00

humble reflections of the day: In Memorium of Michael Joseph Jackson

2009-07-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

soooooo....I was going to refrain from contributing to the over saturation of MJ commentary today, but the last 20 minutes has changed everything and I must purge. its a process...

After today it'll all be over, so relax and embrace.

Memorial: like the millions of fans across the globe (even in death he's setting precedents and making history), I tuned into the live CNN stream of the memorial this morning; save an excruciatingly long half-hour where i was dragged away for this dumb work meeting (eye roll), I was able to catch most of it. Mid-way through, my roommate iquoted to me Liz Taylor, stressing that she wasn't going to be part of this 'creepy dog and pony show' which forced me to take a step back and reevaluate my obsession with this whole frenzy. Apparently Liz declined an appearance at the memorial because she argued Micheal wouldn't have wanted this spectacle (and because she was pretty sure she's incapable of forming coherent words and thoughts - funny Liz, but probably a good call). And thus springs a steady stream of controversial MJ conversation points surrounding the life and death of one Michael Joseph Jackson.

Over the past week, I have (as I'm sure anyone with a pulse has) found myself in countless discussions with friends, family and coworkers on this man.
who was he: humanitarian? child molester? freak? pop star? celebrity? tragedy? father? an infantile peter pan? bad man? good man? misunderstood man?
what is this memorial, really: media spectacle? celebration of life? waste of tax dollars? what he would have wanted? his worst nightmare? joke? proper homage?

All these things, we can argue forever. I mean who killed Kennedy? Did we really land on the moon, like really? Such is the nature of life, some mysteries will never be solved and some truths will never been found. But, these things my humbled heart believes, regardless of the maybes, are undeniable: celebrate the music, not the man. he was an icon, a legend, a historical figure, a pioneer, a genius. In what are sure to be the famous words of Berry Gordy, he was “simply the greatest entertainer that ever lived.”**

and his memorial, whether sick or exploitative, was fitting for his life and just damn poetic really. And honestly, who's heart didn't melt when his elusive 11-year old daughter, Paris, proudly spoke "Ever since I was born, Daddy has been the best father you can ever imagine. And I just want to say I love him so much," and then wept into Aunt Janet's arms. Because at the heart of it all, a little girl lost the father that she loved and who can't sympathize with that?

And now my shameful downfall from compassionate human being into vile propagator of media circustry....

After the hub bub of the memorial wound down and lunchtime had come and gone, I was taking a plate back to the kitchen when the blanket of media coverage announced that the Jackson family motorcade was pulling into the Beverly Hills Wilshire Hotel. Being located across the street from my building, I immediately monkey pounced up onto a window ledge where I saw the mania swelling below. Elevator to lobby. door close, door close, door close. On the street I gawked like the paps but my guilt was repressed by the thought that in my own small and pathetic way, this was my moment in rock and roll history.

My only hope is that one day my children find the story as special as I have with my own mother's tale of meeting Elvis in the back stairwell of a hotel. Oh...and that I'm not on TMZ tonight on tip toe in my fat shirt taking blackberry photos.

**if you don't agree, please explain to me how that on the 4th of July, a group of 5 girls can break out into Beat It! choreography 4 times over at 24 hour period and each time inspiring entire groups of people to join in (and even a pair of grown men to reenact one infamous knife fight)? it's magic. you can't deny.

it was pretty much like this:

sorry, you will not be able to fulfill your life long dream of becoming a part of rock and roll history

2009-07-06T09:49:00.001-07:00

update: even more upset

"Momma Katherine has been backed by daughters Janet and LaToya in her decision to have a closed casket memorial at the Staples Center in LA on Tuesday. A single sequined glove and black fedora will be placed on top of the coffin in honor of the late music legend. Katherine has yet to decide if Jackson's three children will attend the memorial, but if they do, they'll be at the Staples Center sans masks."

...a single sequined glove?!?!! a single sequined tear is rolling down my cheek.

Phoenix: 1901 Collaboration

2009-07-02T12:58:00.000-07:00

1901 collaboration video

courtesy of BS.

Two Buck Chuck On Sale at Trader Joes!!

2009-07-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

so I caught an episode of Kathy Griffin My Life on the D-list the other night and I had one serious issue with this episode. I can't be bothered to give a full rundown, because blog posts of tv episode recaps are lame because its like JFGI or watch the actual episode if you are so damn curious. But basically, in this episode, Kathy hires her mother, Maggie, to run her Facebook page and as one can expect, hilarity ensues.

Ultimately, Maggie updates Kathy's 'Faceplace' status to read: Kathy Griffin is Two Buck Chuck On Sale At Trader Joes!

For this epic status, Kathy decides she must regretfully fire her momager as her profile manager. And here's what really chaps my ass:

Two Buck Chuck is legendary. For those of you who aren't lucky enough to live in one of the 24 states blessed with Trader Joe's markets, allow me to school you. Trader Joe's carries a line of wine called Charles Shaw, which at the incredible bargain price of $2 is affectionately nicknamed 'Two Buck Chuck.' Not to be confused with other 'bargain wines' - Chuck is surprisingly delicious and makes Franzia look like the ugly adopted red headed stepsister. But seriously, I can't even put it in the same category because Chuck wins awards and shit. Let me put it this way, you can bring Chuck over to watch Gossip Girl - classy. You cannot do this with wine in a box - trashy. So, now that we've established the merits of Charles Shaw, let's explore the second part of Maggie's status. Two Buck Chuck ON SALE?!!?! What?!!? God Bless America, Charles Shaw for less than 2 bucks?! A buck and two quarters Chuck - what a deal! Totally status worthy. Had I ever seen a status of such merit, I would've:

a. clicked that new thumbs up 'like' feature

b. posted a comment proclaiming my utter excitement and appreciation for the knowledge

c. updated my own status to spread the good word.

So, in conclusion, Kathy: you are a cold hearted bitch to fire your benevolent and altruistic herald of a mother over this status. I'm pissed and think your hair sucks - Bravo, give Maggie her own spin off, she's where its at. at the very least, i'd like to see Maggie create her own facebook page, i'd log on daily just to check her statuses and vlogs.

another golden Maggie moment

okay, so maybe that was a bit of a recapping, but i did leave out the parts about Paris Hilton saying how her mother always taught her that only ugly girls get on their knees. Ha! you whore - that's not what the back cover of the copy of 'one night in paris' that is sitting in my bedside table right now says - remind me to get that back to you EC.

To Be or Not to Be a part of History...

2009-07-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

The date and time for Michael Jackson's public memorial has been set:

The service will take place on Tuesday, July 7 at 10 a.m. at the Staples
Center.

The program also will be simulcast at LA's nearby Nokia Theatre.

No word - yet - on the allocation of tickets to the service.

who's with me?! half day, be back at work by 2pm. woudn't you have gone to Elvis' memorial service if you'd had the chance??

UPDATE:

dude, he still had it:

Mixed Emotions

2009-07-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

this video sucks for not having an embed feature but that's besides the point because anyways it makes me feel all confused because this is a terrible shocking thing but its also kinda ~~amazing and that baby looks kinda badass on that hog~~ not cool at all.

There's Always Money in the Banana Stand!

2009-07-01T10:21:00.001-07:00

Austin's first Arrested Development Inspired Frozen Banana Stand

B.I.G vs. MGMT: so sick, it's vomiting

2009-07-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

A Tale of Two Videos...

2009-06-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

one cute

one creepy

Seriously Texas?

2009-06-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

way to reinforce the stereotype that all texans are intolerant redneck homophobic cowboys. sexual harassment?! bitch please. dude, half those cops wish they could get sexually harassed by a hot young stallion named ricky. this whole thing makes me all bleh and meh inside.

Betty Bowers

2009-06-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

America's Best Christian:

Happy Friday

2009-06-26T15:30:00.001-07:00

you're welcome

3eb @ The Palladium

2009-06-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

despite some heavy naysaying by this wanker, Third Eye Blind rocked it last night. I Want You + I Want You Back cover = everything I'd tried not to get my hopes up for but holy shit this is amazing i can't believe they aren't pissing all over my dreams i love life right now. heady nostalgia, felt like a schoolgirl again. so that guy can totally suck it.

thank you Skinner!!!!!

2009-06-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

Tweet, Tweet

2009-06-26T10:37:00.001-07:00

like lamebook, but for twitter.

a little taste of the douchebaggery:

2009-06-25T16:45:00.001-07:00

well what can really be said that hasn't been said on facebook, gchat statuses, twitter and CNN...a tragic day in a tragic life.

so i'll just leave you with this...

most epic dude of life.

p.s. RIP Farrah. Sorry your thunder was like hella stolen.

p.p.s. also an interesting article on how MJ shut down the internets

uh, so i'm excited

2009-06-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

going to this show tonight. super pumped. :-/

Elijah in Wonderland?

2009-06-24T15:14:00.000-07:00

it was imperative that I include the Elijah comparison with this second Wonderland reveal in order to dull the jarring of total and absolute creepiness that is Depp's Mad Hatter. I suppose, like his Wonka, it'll take some getting used to.

thats how we roll

2009-06-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

:-/ hmmm

2009-06-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

10?

Premiere: NYC Prep

2009-06-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

tonight NYC Prep, Bravo's reality answer to Gossip Girl, premieres tonight. the reviews are already in and while I can anticipate that I very well might agree with these assessments, i'm hoping i'll be able to throw all principled scruples - yes, i have them - to the wind (see: daily of love, rock of love bus, charm school, et al) and find another uber guilty pleasure to enjoy tonight.

tune in and tell me your thoughts tomorrow...

t minus one week: public enemies

2009-06-23T11:57:00.000-07:00

i can't bloody wait.

White Lies - Death

2009-06-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

Kush

2009-06-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

oh thank God, where has this been all my life...

all those nights of restless sleep are ovazzz.

Alice in Wonderland: Burton Stylee

2009-06-22T15:56:00.000-07:00

Screenshot of Tim Burton's 'Alice in Wonderland'

never one to fail me on the visually stunning.

click for more surreal trippy burton wonderfulness

White Rabbits @ The Troubador

2009-06-19T11:50:00.001-07:00

bcrow's bday present was cashed in last night at the Troubador where we checked out White Rabbits. in my experience, there are two types of shows...shows you go to where you know the band's entire catalogue and geek out when they play your favorite song and shows where you discover new bands/tunes. last night was the latter and i was not disappointed. it's yet to be decided how the music will translate to my ipod, but the live show was bangin'...literally. these guys just f**kin' wailed on their instruments and with intensity like that its easy to dig it. not to mention the guys are hot...especially the percussionist/bassist dude who seriously jammed out -- he beat that tom-tom (?) like a tribal war drum. his bobbing rhythm was infectious...and i may or may not have been that lame groupie girl who dorkily yelled 'good job' at him afterwards as he was leaving the troub (one day im going to make eye contact with a sexy drummer will fall madly in love at first sight damnit!) we also got a chance to chat with the talented lead singer briefly who was very nice, so 10 points for not being a cocky douche! all in all: great show, great company.

many thanks bcrow. birthday present success!

extra credit: check out some videos of them live here. except they're all from the angle that blocks my favorite band element - intense smokin' hot drummer boy.